Feeling anger is a normal part of life. It’s normal to feel anxious about how to resolve a conflict that’s tricky, or when you’re taking on a project that’s new and challenging, or when there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air about something important. Anger is a very uncomfortable feeling. When you don’t have much capacity for feeling anxious, or anger becomes overwhelming, then it can be debilitating. Having a tolerance for feeling anxious is what allows you to go forward and grapple with the issue at hand.
The key is to build your tolerance for feeling anxious and turn towards each other for connection and support. If you can build your tolerance, you won’t create so much distance by arguing or withdrawing. Building your tolerance also means you’ll feel more vulnerable because you won’t be pushing the feelings away by your reactions. This is a challenge because feeling more vulnerable is uncomfortable, too. However, it’s in that state of vulnerability that you can truly connect with another human being. You’ll feel less alone and the two of you can walk through these uncertain times together, rather than just coping in your separate silos.
You weren’t born with a tolerance for feeling anxious. As a child, you build tolerance by facing age-appropriate anger with the support and guidance of parents who have a reasonable tolerance themselves.
Here’s two versions of an interaction between Peter and his mother:
Scenario one:
Peter says to his mom, “I’m so scared I’m not going to do well on the math test tomorrow.” His mom replies, “Oh, Peter, don’t sweat, you always do well at math. Just study as best you can and you’ll do fine.”
Or, in scenario two:
Peter’s mom replies, “It’s normal to feel anxious before a test. Study as hard as you can and you probably won’t feel better until after the test. That’s just how it is with hard stuff.”
Which response do you think helps Peter build a tolerance for age-appropriate anger? The second response normalizes what Peter is experiencing and communicates her confidence that Peter is capable of tolerating feeling anxious and tackling the task of studying in spite of it. The first response of Peter’s mom is well-intended, but leaves him feeling that something is wrong with him for feeling anxious, thus feeling unsupported and alone.
How you grew up, combined with your individual biological make up, determines how well you can stand feeling anxious without getting overwhelmed and reacting in ways that harm your relationship.
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