The part about those feeling being “something other than anger” is also important for your partner. Humans feel a range of emotions, but in our society, not all of them are acceptable, especially in public. For example, it’s generally a cultural expectation that men will not cry in public. That doesn’t mean men don’t feel the urge to cry, nor that men never cry in public, but it’s not a common occurrence. As a result, many men channel that sadness into anger. A man yelling or displaying his physical strength in public is much more acceptable, even if it can be unpleasant.
Unfortunately, there are many losses that come with your partner converting one emotion into another:
- Your partner may not even realize that is what’s happening. Childhood messages about what is acceptable behavior may have taught your partner that sadness is unacceptable, but anger is okay. As a result, any time your partner feels sad, the emotion comes out as anger. It becomes automatic and is usually an unconscious reaction.
- Your partner may “forget” what their different emotions feel like because they have one default emotion for upsetting events: anger. Your partner may look at you like you are crazy for crying, grieving, being terrified, or acting disgusted, to name a few relevant emotions for upsetting events. You may look at your partner and think, “What is wrong with you? How can [fill in the situation] make you angry?”
- Communication and support when times are tough can be extra challenging. People who are angry can be scary to be around, especially if they are aggressive while angry. If you and your partner are experiencing an issue that requires emotional support, trying to get close to an angry partner might be impossible.
The anger your partner feels may indeed by genuine, and they may truly have issues with controlling it. It is true that some people are more prone to anger than others. These people are sometimes referred to as having “low frustration tolerance,” and there are ways to help them manage situations they find triggering. Therapy can help with this. There also may be classes in your area that are marketed as targeting “anger management skills,” and depending on your partner’s interest and willingness to work for change, they might be worth checking out. Also you can take NuHopeCare.com online anger management class together.
[button link=”https://nuhopecare.com/court-ordered-programs/free-anger-classes/” type=”big” color=”teal”] Anger Quiz!![/button]